if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize