i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I did not marry a roomba.
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