Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
