The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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