Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
His hands were made for my vagina.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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