TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
