this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
