isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
