My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
