life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize