got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
