i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
