I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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