i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
