I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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