I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
