ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
