i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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