i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
