you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
...so i touched it.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
