you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
