Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
