im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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