Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
