Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
