The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize