textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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