I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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