He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
