Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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