Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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