He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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