just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
