I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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