We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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