I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
