I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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