Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
