Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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