2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
my poor anus
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
