My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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