It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
