just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
