I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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