I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
