never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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