we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
