ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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