I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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