Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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