You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
