I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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