The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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