The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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