He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
