I think my fart just growled at me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
