really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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