Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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